It's been 20 years since Jacquie Switzer lost her only daughter, Annemarie, but there are still moments when she experiences grief about it. Like when a wedding for a friend's child makes her remember that her own daughter won't ever get married, and that she won't have children.
"Something like that will trigger the thought, and it doesn't stay with you long," Switzer said. "And it's different for everyone. I may cry a little bit, but I know at this point what's triggering that and that it will pass."
One thing that's helped her process her loss, Switzer said, is being with people who have been there too. Switzer is a part of the local chapter of the Compassionate Friends, a support group for parents who have lost children. The group meets monthly at the Charleston Area Medical Center Family Resource Center.
"It's so well named," Switzer said. "That's what you do, you make friends, and they're compassionate because they can understand what you're going through. They can understand your feelings, and every story is different so nobody compares."
According to the Mayo Clinic, attending support groups can help people manage their stress. They give people a place to talk openly and honestly about their feelings. They can also reduce stress, anxiety, depression and fatigue. They can give people a better understanding of what to expect in their situations and help them to feel less isolated and alone.
Switzer's daughter died in a car accident in January 1996, five years after Switzer lost her husband to cancer. A support group for widows and widowers helped Switzer know that what she was feeling wasn't crazy, she said.
"That was tremendous help," she said. "You talk to other people who have been through the same experience."
About 15 people typically attend the group, though there are more for special events like the annual balloon launching and a candlelight ceremony for children who have passed away.
Members say the group gives them a place where they don't have to worry about hearing judgmental or insensitive comments from others. Like when someone tells them that they should be "over" losing their child or that losing one child isn't a big deal because they have others.
"Some people outside say, 'Well, at least you have five sons,'" Switzer said. "Well, you know they're trying to console you or to give you things, but it's like, 'OK, I have five sons; does that mean my daughter doesn't exist?'
"You know they just don't know what to say, but when you get into this group you don't even have to deal with those things," Switzer said.
Ron Teufel, of Charleston, lost his son 14 years ago. He said the way that men and women process loss is different.
"I can tell you, this after even of the loss of our son, you'll find men and women grieve differently," Teufel said. "My wife thought I wasn't grieving." The stereotype that men don't or shouldn't cry also makes grieving more difficult for men, he said.
Group members are welcome to share, but they're not required to, he said.
"Some people are ashamed to admit they're mad at God," Teuful said. "Everything under the sun you can see at that meeting."
Teuful said it's important to realize that the loss of a child isn't something you get over, it's something you learn to deal with.
"People will ask, 'Aren't you over that?'" he said. "Again, you've gotta forgive them."
He repeated a phrase he'd heard others say about grief: Time doesn't heal all wounds, but it gives you the opportunity to heal.
Teuful said choosing health practices like exercising helps.
"I like to go out and walk," he said. "Exercise takes your mind off it."
Like Switzer, Teuful said even though time has passed, there are still times when he feels sad.
"It's like a wound in the leg," he said. "It hurts like the devil until it heals. Then it hurts again when it's pressed on."
The group meets at 7 p.m. on the fourth Monday of every month at the Charleston Area Medical Center Family Resource Center at 800 Pennsylvania Ave. in Charleston. For more information, call 304-388-2545.
Reach Lori Kersey at Lori.Kersey@wvgazettemail.com, 304-348-1240 or follow @ LoriKerseyWV on Twitter.